it gets ruder part seven^{1}

dear reader, it gets worse now, the story continues as does the colourful subject material, you have been warned. those with a saintly view of public service, the role of men in the community and a distaste of all things adult entertainment, please turn away now. the novel idea so far, is posted here

cont .. There were 2 fun stoppers sitting in the workspace, actually one could be better described as a fun partaker, she was lovely, all muscle and curves, that softened the intent of the harsh blue uniform in such an inviting way. It especially strained the front of the Police blouse to look like that bag of oranges I use to describe the humidity level. Police Constable Sally Burton was enormously gifted in the tits department. Wonder if she has a freckle?

“What the hell does the “Church of the Sunshine Grass” have to do with me?” ….. I demand, trying to assert my grasp on the dynamic before me.

Well it turns out, according to Warren that the nut crushing soul after an EHO, not the fantasy I have of the Spanish chef, might be from this church’s collection of earthy, butt naked and deluded congregation of potential suicide victims based in Northern NSW, who have a deep seated hatred of adult entertainment and the resulting by-product of sinful activity that is masturbation. The leader of this collective is Rupert K. Asquith ( who i’ve namedspecial K ), who fancies himself as a re-born version of an enema loving brother that was the originator of corn flakes, Seventh Day Adventist John Harvey Kellogg. This detail is on a print out prepared earlier by Ms Police Woman I’d like to, and seems to have been taken from Wikipedia. Something on the page catches my eye;

quote: Kellogg worked on the rehabilitation of masturbators, often employing extreme measures, even mutilation, on both sexes. In his Plain Facts for Old and Young, he wrote that a remedy for masturbation which is almost always successful in small boys is circumcision, especially when there is any degree of phimosis. The operation should be performed by a surgeon without administering an anaesthetic, as the brief pain attending the operation will have a salutary effect upon the mind, especially if it be connected with the idea of punishment, as it may well be in some cases. In females, the author has found the application of pure carbolic acid ( phenol ) to the clitoris an excellent means of allaying the abnormal excitement. He also recommended, that to prevent children from this “solitary vice”, bandaging or tying their hands, covering their genitals with patented cages, sewing the foreskin shut, and electrical shock.

I conducted an inspection of this fruit bat’s food stall recently at the mullet day festival, where they were selling ( with their own restricted version of love ) their 10 bean mix, faux meat pies. I discovered and responded in my own way, to their discouraging remarks regarding each customer’s potential for the “solitary self pleasuring vice”, and these were given unselfishly to each and every punter, I mean what the fuck’s it have to do with these followers of a strange fashion ? The drugged out, pissed festival punters just wanted some great thumping music, quick food and respectful safe shagging, although not from the stalls staff. The question of lifestyle should never have raised its private head, and it wouldn’t in the punters mind, unless they missed out on wet bump and grind that day.

So it would seem, if special K had his wish ( and he does often ) the crew running the food stall shouldn’t be able to masturbate at night, as he binds their hands and makes all members sleep with cricket boxes on. Jonestown seemed normal compared to this groovy collection of deluded souls, with rope burned wrists and rock solid genitals. Maybe their pies have the same effect, well no actually, I remember I had one at that event and that wasn’t the result. Diarrhoea YES! Abstinence from sin NO!

“I mean how could a bunch of serious fun stoppers aim to hurt me?”……. I asked Detective Sergeant Arthurs. “What would that achieve; we’re all guilty of wanking”…….Ms Police Woman I’d like to – Sally, smiled at my use of the stopper phrase.

“I don’t think we need to discuss your personal habits” …. mumbled the rather out of proportioned policeman, who was deeply embarrassed in talking about wanking with his young female associate Sally sitting beside him, a bit too far away it seemed.

How is it that each time you see a cop show team on TV they’re perfectly matched into either a good, bad, young, older, fat, thin etc type balance. The real world would be very different you’d think, but no! Here’s Arthur and his younger and distinctly shapelier assistant. Right out of a Wolf Films – Law & Order script.

Talking of Arthurs aka Detective Blobby how do people like this senior detective end up with such a huge lower half while possessing an almost doll like look and size at the top? A lot like those toy fulcrum birds, that once set in motion continually swing down to drink from the edge of the glass they’re perched on. This guy had the smallest, narrowest shoulders I’ve ever seen on a human, how does he pass, or surely continues to avoid, the medical assessment with that rotund backside?

“Well what makes you think that this group is responsible?” …. I asked while visualising the blobby copper at home in his repetitive bending over routine.

We have another threat, he blurts out as he offers me the letter, which was sent to the Big Bouncy Boobs Dance Review in Summit Park. It requested that the girls stop arousing their patrons to such a large extent. The girls, according to Detective Blobby, leave their patrons in a delicate place of suspension and should not be doing so. The letter demands that the club be closed down and the girls counselled to protect the community from further distraction …… It seems that the wording on the letter received here at Council is in the same style, and it was signed RKA as well.

I can’t believe this nonsense, put the brakes on pole and private lap dancing in order to stop the population carrying out sinful acts, what a strange request. Why would special k want me dead ?

Is Sally going to speak or is she just going to blush her way through this whole interview ? She’s ready to offer an insight but seems reluctant to save her squirming senior officer.

“If you could let us know if you can think of anyone else who would want to hurt you Alex” offered Detective Blobby.

They haven’t even confirmed it’s me they’re after, but they do seem concerned, isn’t that nice.

Warren remains very quite through this discussion and offers only a grunt in an indeterminable dialect when it’s over. Hands shaken, assurances given and then I escort the dynamic duo out to the main exit doors …. bye! I make a mental note to ring Sally and pursue my great love. Time to go home, I grab my stuff, wander outside, have a fag and head to the car park proper and the grey gas guzzling monster, you evil polluters beware, I’m mobile.