A wondrous occasion as the four participants in the family troupe, traipsed out of the relative calm of an air conditioned hotel lobby out into the wild, sun scorched, blindingly tacky world of the Gold Coast. We saw a few bikini girls dancing. The so called glitter strip has become excruciating in its continual grasping for the tourist dollar.
The weather here has made up for the recent and seemingly never ending monsoon conditions and it was hot. So bleeding hot that my head grew horns just to shade itself, despite the groovy cap I had on. My bride managed to develop some lovely geometric shapes of sunburn upon her person, shoulder, back and neck, although she didn’t grow horns, she did seek out shade. Maybe I could have done that.
Drawn by the steamy, salty and obscenely hot vista, we crushed our way through the grit on the newly surfaced beach promenade and boy it looked enticing, crunching in submission as we walked up to the edge. Being the Gold Coast, the scene was dominated by about 10 scantily clad bikini girls. They were very brief bikinis and they were involved in what looked like a dance routine being rehearsed and filmed by some very serious, black clad film crew. A good choice of colour I thought.
Steady Cam
They even had a steady cam to ensure the only shaking going on was the hips and bits of the bikini girls. the rest of the poached, sunburnt, folding population just sat around and watched the show. Of course the radiation attacking their fragile skin didn’t bother them either.
We sauntered and sautéed ourselves off to show our visitors the Gold Coast’s tacky strip at it’s finest. The stripper convention was in town as per normal and there was some “g rated” street entertainment to distract the mall rats roaming around. We of course, read me, were too distracted by the strippers walking about like they had some serious relaxing to do. Not worrying about having too many layers makes their job easier. I’m joking of course, the strippers were all indoors, they had probably just got to bed, these fancy nubile folk don’t live normal lives or reside within our time zones.
The colours of the Gold Coast become more vibrant the further you get away from the bleaching sand, the glare and salt spray, it just washes over everything. It has a blinding effect that “edge of the land” that really makes the Gold Coast such a tourist mecca, it’s too much for calm hermits like me, who don’t want to bake their exterior surfaces away or boil their eyes, people flock to oil themselves up and bake in such a way.
The strippers do it after work at 06.00 or in the microwave tanning salons. Waxing, primping, burning and sleeping all in one service i’ve heard. They even have a favourite salon called “tips – bits – blips and slips”
Need to rest
So here we were – hot, bothered, happy chatters wandering about a dubious vacation spot looking for rest and of course we ended up in a pub. Cool beers, cider and orange juice for the designated driver i.e. my lovely bride. We think we’ve organised the relaxing of our guests and arranged things around it.
The afternoon rolled on and came to an end. I could hardly walk and I had a splitting headache, while realising that i’d not eaten anything by the time it ended, although it’s not from what you’d think. That light alcohol beer is a truly wonderful thing.
The morning leading up to the clothed baking in public had seen me mowing the high grass in my backyard. It was so high and thick that my 9 year old mower blew up, exploded with the cutting wheel shearing off, flying the buggery away from my legs thankfully and leaving me half done, a bit like when my hair trimmer did the same half way through my buzz cut.
Most difficult to repair that was. So my grass is melting, my body aching and I have to go off and buy new mower. I did and being steel instead of aluminium it weighed twice as much and nearly killed me as I struggled to guide it over the undone and then fix up the done. It looks good now and when I do it again, it’ll look fabulous, well as fabulous as my backyard can be.
So dear reader, I’ve now recovered. I’ve a yearning for relaxation indoors with plenty of food and cool water. I don’t have a need for strippers, dancing bikini clad girls, sand or surf. If you want to enjoy such things, may I suggest that you come to the Gold Coast and have some fun. Fun in the sun. If you want some help in your personal grooming while you’re here make sure you go to “tips – bits – blips and slips” and tell them Alan Crawford sent you.
